Imagine, if you will, that drug-riddled, manic-depressive nut-job Mark David Chapman had been sensible enough to actually make a success of at least one of his many documented suicide attempts. If say, in Hawaii 1977, Chapman had thought things through a little, he would have realised that the plastic vacuum cleaner hose he stuffed into his car’s exhaust pipe would melt, thus making his attempt at ending his miserable life another in a long list of abject failures. The world is a lesser place for his ineptitude, for had he succeeded in snuffing himself out, he would not have killed John Lennon. Instead, on Monday, December 8th 1980, the deluded Chapman jumped into a cab and made his way across Manhattan to the Dakota apartment block where John and Yoko were living. According to witness testimony, Mark skulked about in a shadowy doorway before taking the opportunity, as Lennon and Ono exited the building, to shoot John with four hollow point bullets fired from a 38 Special. Chapman then casually sat down to read a few chapters of Catcher In The Rye while he waited for the police to come. By the time they arrived, the tragic news had already made its way around the world, triggering an unprecedented outpouring of grief on a global scale. I was only eleven years old, but already a passionate Beatles fan, and when my tearful mother came to tell me the news, even my young, unformed intellect knew that the world had lost one of its most beautiful sons. The following day, Ono issued a statement: “There is no funeral for John. John loved and prayed for the human race. Please do the same for him. Love, Yoko and Sean.” Rolling Stone magazine ran its most famous cover ever, a picture of John and Yoko hugging, naked on their bed. The Annie Leibowitz’s picture, taken hours before his death, was the last picture taken of John and is probably one of our most iconic popular culture images. The legacy Lennon left is enormous. He created some of the most sublime music ever made; he was an artist, a poet, a filmmaker, a campaigner for love, peace, human rights and great sex. He also made popular one of the finest drinks man has yet invented; the Brandy Alexander – a cocktail made of brandy, crème de cacao, and nutmeg. There was his penchant for odd specs, psychedelic Rolls Royces and deadpan, witty, one-liners. He was an activist, a surrealist and a clown, yet he had real, tangible power.

Governments were scared of him; he had the will and the backing of hundreds of thousands of people who rallied behind his causes. On The Beatles’ classic 1969 single off the Get Back album, John beseeches us - seemingly all of us, for all eternity - with the guttural cry, “Don’t let me down! Don’t let me down…” Forty years after his death, one wonders how we’ve done in that regard. What would John think of his old mates and the mess we have made with our new world? Had John Lennon lived he would almost undoubtedly have been a campaigner for the ultra-green Koyoto Protocol. He would have been anti the Gulf War and even more anti the second one. He would have had a field day with George Dubbya and his missing weapons of mass destruction and moronic “Is our children learning?” Bushisms. He would have been invited to Mandela’s inauguration, been “friended” on Facebook by millions. He’d have given all his music away free on the Net. He’d have been impressed with the strides forward that have been made in the cultivation of hydroponic chronic — aka weed. He’d be amazed that his mate Keith Richards is still alive. One imagines John would have applauded the election of America’s first black president and raged at the sight of millions of barrels of oil flowing into the Mexican Gulf. He’d have raised millions for victims of natural disasters and rallied behind conservationists who are trying to save our world from drowning. He’d almost certainly have been mates with Bono. The U2 front man has cut a lonely figure as the champion of humanitarian works in an increasingly apathetic world. Had John lived, not only would Bono have had a mentor who could have advised him on more suitable eyewear, he may also have convinced him that making speeches standing next to American presidents on the lawn of the White House does not seriously constitute radical activism. John’s death opened the way for Michael Jackson to buy the Beatles music rights catalogue.

The Prince of Pop though had no idea when he bought them that he would be entering into a feud with the one woman in the world you do not want on your case -– Yoko Ono! Being in an antagonistic relationship with Ono could drive any man into the arms of prescription drugs and Macaulay Culkin! Perhaps the one person who missed John’s influence the most is his old collaborator. Sir Paul McCartney must certainly have been a disappointment. John, while he lived, was regrettably unable to dissuade Paul from forming a band with the entirely inane name of Wings, but he surely wouldn’t have allowed him to collaborate with Rupert the Bear on a not so rocking tune that boasted backing vocals by frogs. But more than that, John would never, ever have allowed Paul to marry a money-grubbing, ex call girl with one leg. John Lennon would have been 70 this year. Our world is so much the worse for his untimely death, but so much the better for his having lived at all. Rest in peace John.

Imagine Elvis Had Lived …
On the morning of August 16, 1977 Elvis woke up on his bathroom floor. He had suffered a major heart attack, but he was alive. After two weeks in intensive care and many weeks of rehabilitation Elvis reevaluated his life and decided to join Weight Watchers. Only too keen to have the rock and roll legend on board, Weight Watchers offered Elvis a $10 million endorsement deal. He appeared in all their advertising campaigns and his face graced billboards across the United States. The more kilograms The King lost, the more fans he gained. It wasn’t long before the E Entertainment Channel came knocking. Elvis was offered his own reality television show called Keeping up the King, which was produced by Ryan Seacrest, of course. In 2010, Elvis turned 75-years old! Long time friend Hugh Hefner threw a surprise birthday bash for him at the Playboy Mansion. Although the evening began well, it ended badly when Elvis was caught with Hugh Hefner’s ong-term girlfriend Holly Madison in the grotto.